Precession

pre·ces·sion

A slow gyration of the earth's axis around the pole of the ecliptic, caused mainly by the gravitational pull of the sun, moon, and other planets on the earth's equatorial bulge.

I have no fixed course right now. I've had good hours and bad. I feel pulled in all directions. This is good - if I can keep fluid, become comfortable with being uncomfortable as my friend Nicky says, the forces that are most important will manifest themselves.

Spin a top - it will spin and wobble in all directions, but slowly, so slowly, it will tend in the direction of the dominant force.

The path it takes is important. The places it visits will affect the journey and the ultimate destination.

Nicky tells me I need clarity and Corky tells me I need to fully explore the possibilities at this point. I trust both of them and I sense that both of them are right. I nail down the things I know are true and try to stay uncommitted on the rest, try to enjoy what I can and tolerate everything else.

I can tell I'm heading for a period of mental diffraction - I can feel my analytic focus going. I've set the wheels in motion to hire an assistant so my workplace does not suffer because of me.

I realize that action highlights a truth I can nail down. I need to live my life ethically - through this time and throughout my life I need to make decisions I am proud of.

My wife has entered the bargaining stage. She feels she can change to be the person I can love. I want to encourage her to make changes because she has always been terribly unhappy, but I need her to understand she has to make them to meet her own needs, not mine. A tiny part of me is excited about the possibility of staying with my wife but I think it's unlikely. Fluid. The top will visit but probably move on.

I realize I want to try to help her see this as a beginning, that we can celebrate the past we shared and move forward toward a better future as people who have grown by knowing each other. I would really love to have her find happiness and then find someone who can take joy in all the wonderful qualities she has.

TB. ouch. Corky thinks she is an agent of change in my life to help me move forward, but that ultimately she isn't the one for me. I thought that as well when I first started having feelings toward her. It's a common enough phenomenon. It's so easy to seduce yourself, so easy to believe someone is perfect for you when you are looking for an escape.

I won't deny that's impossible, and in fact I will probably come to believe that was the case if nothing comes of my desires to be with TB (as looks likely at the present), but there truly is more.

I've talked with her for many hours now and at the moment I can't think of anything I really disagree with her on. I've never been with anyone for more than 20 minutes where I've felt that way. As anyone who has read this blog knows I'm not exactly typical in what I feel and believe.

I've decided that I'll let her know my feelings when the time is right. I'll try to assure her that my feelings are mine and she has no responsibility for them. I'll try to paint things as a positive. Maybe it will work. Regardless, at least I will be able to let go of TB if that is the way the top spins.

The pictures on this post aren't indicative of anything other than to reassure myself that there will always be beauty and miracles for me. That is a truth that will never change regardless of where the top travels.