Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Friday, April 29, 2005

Precession



pre┬Ěces┬Ěsion

A slow gyration of the earth's axis around the pole of the ecliptic, caused mainly by the gravitational pull of the sun, moon, and other planets on the earth's equatorial bulge.

I have no fixed course right now. I've had good hours and bad. I feel pulled in all directions. This is good - if I can keep fluid, become comfortable with being uncomfortable as my friend Nicky says, the forces that are most important will manifest themselves.

Spin a top - it will spin and wobble in all directions, but slowly, so slowly, it will tend in the direction of the dominant force.

The path it takes is important. The places it visits will affect the journey and the ultimate destination.

Nicky tells me I need clarity and Corky tells me I need to fully explore the possibilities at this point. I trust both of them and I sense that both of them are right. I nail down the things I know are true and try to stay uncommitted on the rest, try to enjoy what I can and tolerate everything else.

I can tell I'm heading for a period of mental diffraction - I can feel my analytic focus going. I've set the wheels in motion to hire an assistant so my workplace does not suffer because of me.

I realize that action highlights a truth I can nail down. I need to live my life ethically - through this time and throughout my life I need to make decisions I am proud of.

My wife has entered the bargaining stage. She feels she can change to be the person I can love. I want to encourage her to make changes because she has always been terribly unhappy, but I need her to understand she has to make them to meet her own needs, not mine. A tiny part of me is excited about the possibility of staying with my wife but I think it's unlikely. Fluid. The top will visit but probably move on.

I realize I want to try to help her see this as a beginning, that we can celebrate the past we shared and move forward toward a better future as people who have grown by knowing each other. I would really love to have her find happiness and then find someone who can take joy in all the wonderful qualities she has.

TB. ouch. Corky thinks she is an agent of change in my life to help me move forward, but that ultimately she isn't the one for me. I thought that as well when I first started having feelings toward her. It's a common enough phenomenon. It's so easy to seduce yourself, so easy to believe someone is perfect for you when you are looking for an escape.

I won't deny that's impossible, and in fact I will probably come to believe that was the case if nothing comes of my desires to be with TB (as looks likely at the present), but there truly is more.

I've talked with her for many hours now and at the moment I can't think of anything I really disagree with her on. I've never been with anyone for more than 20 minutes where I've felt that way. As anyone who has read this blog knows I'm not exactly typical in what I feel and believe.

I've decided that I'll let her know my feelings when the time is right. I'll try to assure her that my feelings are mine and she has no responsibility for them. I'll try to paint things as a positive. Maybe it will work. Regardless, at least I will be able to let go of TB if that is the way the top spins.

The pictures on this post aren't indicative of anything other than to reassure myself that there will always be beauty and miracles for me. That is a truth that will never change regardless of where the top travels.
Yellow

25 Comments:

  • At 1:28 PM, Blogger Me said…

    Just wanted you to know that when I was writing my blog, you, and your wife came, unbidden, to my mind. May you both have the strength to do what is best for both of you,

    Ochemma

     
  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    It's hard when there is no road map for life, no fixed course, no? Be well.

     
  • At 5:54 PM, Blogger melodyann said…

    I believe with all my heart that your life will be blessed and spectacular. Every time you sink, somehow you are sent a sign that revives your wonderful spirit. Do not doubt that everything will work out in the best possible way. Great things are in store for you, my friend.

     
  • At 8:58 AM, Blogger kenju said…

    Michele sent me, and I'm going to poke around a while, adn see what's going on.

     
  • At 9:23 AM, Blogger Mary said…

    Hello, mw, I'm here from Michele's.

    Goodness, your blog is so very personal and open and wonderful. Your tagline at the top says "Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there", but I can't help thinking after reading just 2 posts you ARE the real world.

    Happy weekend to you.
    I'll look forward to coming back,
    - M.

    PS- your photos are very pretty. Thanks for showing us the beauty, too.

     
  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger Thumper said…

    :::waves:::
    Hi, Michele sent me.

    The pictures may not be indicative of anything, but they are stunning. Hope you don't mind, but I am now going to poke around the rest of your blog...

     
  • At 10:02 AM, Anonymous shelagh said…

    Hey there,I am here via Michele
    I wasn't expecting this sort of deeply emotional visit when I arrived.I got drawn in.

    Questions:

    1. If TB did not exist, would this situation be occuring? Be honest.
    2. How old is your son?
    3. What would happen if you waited another year?
    4. Would that extra year be a good thing for your son?
    5. What is the worst that could happen if a year passed?

    I face a dilemma similar but not the same, and I have chosen my daughter's well being over my own for now. She only has one childhood. As an adult, I can put up with things until she is strong and living on her own. She did not choose to be here, I did, and I am responsible for ensuring that she has the best support and emotional strength building that I can provide. For that reason I am in a situation that alone, I would not be in.
    It is easy to say that I am more important and that I deserve, but the truth is,(in my opinion)our children are. They have no second chance at growing up and becoming
    adults. Once they are out on their own or emotionally strong young adults, then we can do what we want at little expense to them.

    Just sayin....

     
  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger phoenix said…

    Amazing blog. I read several of your posts before coming back up here to comment. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to read a journal with such intense openess and thought.

    I was beginning to think the male persuasion was not capable of such qualities. I have several male aquaintences who are as open as you are and that is what makes us such great friends.

    I am going to make an assumption here and I realy hate doing that but here goes. You seem to have found that sex is not enough to make a marriage work. I know this so very well. My marriage was started on the sexual side and now I regret it. I do not get enough "brain food" for lack of better words.

    I now know that to survive this world we need equal parts of the whole pie. Sex is important but it is only a small portion of a relationship. Without mental stimulation a relationship can get boring fast. This is why I, and it seems you, have ventured outside of the sanctity of marriage. Not for the sexual pleasures, but the mental ones.

    Hope I was not too long winded and that my assumption wasn't too far off base. Love your blog... oh yea! Here via Michele!

     
  • At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Shelagh said…

    Hey, I didn't skip you, I was just so enthralled with your entries that I was taking my time. lol. -one of Michele's cronies.

     
  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger mw said…

    I want to answer shelaghs questions - I'll try to reply to the other comments later.

    The question of what affect TB has on this situation is incredibly complex - I've tried a couple of times to tell the story of my marriage on this blog and never managed to do it.

    It has never been a good marriage - when we married my wife was just recently divorced and rebounding and I was pretty seriously messed up on my thinking about relationships. I had tried repeatedly to break up with my wife (who was then my girlfriend) but she had always pulled me back into the relationship - her son, who was 3 years old at the time was a strong reason for me to keep coming back.

    As the marriage progressed my relationship to my stepson deepened and became a central part of my life. My marriage on the other hand became more and more painful and my health started to suffer, primarily through not taking care of myself and eating too much of very unhealthy food.

    Early on we had tried to conceive and the doctors had told us that due to issues with my wife we had almost no chance of having a child.

    As I came to realize I didn't want to be in this marriage I decided I would stick it out until my stepson was old enough for me to leave without hurting him to much. His dad is very much in the picture but I had a role to play and I loved him dearly.

    My wife became more and more desperate to have a child, and I was faced with telling her I wasn't willing to try and having her divorce me, or trying to have a child with the odds approaching zero and being able to stay in a marriage that let me be with my stepson.

    I chose the latter and after about 5 years of reproductive issue hell, my wife conceived and made it past 10 weeks. The odds didn't look good that she would go full term, and at that point I promised myself I would get a divorce if that happened. No more playing games.

    We had a wonderfully healthy and amazing little boy, who is now 3-1/2 years old. I tried pretty unsuccessfully to get my health in order but I hated everything about my life other than my kids and I realized I was committing very slow suicide. I hoped I could make it till he was a little older.

    About 2 years ago TB entered my life. I don't see her much and I talk to her only rarely, but something about her speaks to my soul - I can't explain it, but I feel like everything is suddenly extraordinary and life isn't just worth living, it's worth celebrating.

    I started taking my son out for walks - I've always loved being out of doors. We got more ambitious and I started putting him in a backpack and going for serious hikes. Now I routinely take him for big (six miles minimum) hikes in extremely rugged territory. My physical health is the best it's ever been.

    Now that slow suicide is ruled out I'm finding being with my wife intolerable. I tried to address that by putting as much distance between my wife and myself as I can and still have a family life.

    My wife is having none of that and has threatened divorce if I don't participate in the marriage in the manner she wants me too, and I've tried to be who she wants in a desperate bid to hold together this family for my kids, but it isn't working.

    So my choices at this point are to sacrifice all that I have gained to hold my family together in a hopeless and painful marriage, or to try to divorce my wife in a way that leaves us as friends and partners in raising kids in seperate households.

    So, what is TB's role? She's the catalyst that has changed my life, definitely for the better - I'm usually pretty happy and my kids enjoy me a lot.

    What is her future role? I don't know, but there is by no means a certainty or even a likelihood that I'll end up with her.

    I don't think I've answered this as fully as it should be answered. I know at some point I'm going to need to write this as a story as that is the only way I know to handle the real complexity.

    Thank you for the question - it makes me address the realities. I'm not casual about this divorce under any circumstances.

    Actually I'm not casual about anything...

     
  • At 11:25 AM, Blogger Cara said…

    You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself. I truly hope that you and your wife find the way that is best for both of you.
    I'm from Michele's M&G. I'm going to look around a bit more. BTW, the picture of the flower was very lovely!

     
  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger Lynda said…

    Like someone else mentioned before, I didn't anticipate landing in the middle of so much angst playiing Michele's Meet & Greet, however, I certainly appreciate your willingness to share your life with us. Reading these sort of situations are so compelling... they make me want to offer advice and opinions and that's just not my place. I do, however, now wish to read your other posts. Thanks again for sharing.

     
  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger Kimberly said…

    Hi mw, I'm here from Michele's.

    I'm impressed by the openness with which you write about your current (very complicated) situation. I wish for you the clarity that you seek, and for you and your wife a path that brings good things for both of you and especially for your son.

     
  • At 12:50 PM, Blogger Mrs. Darling said…

    I came here via Micheles. I see now I will have to bookmark you because I need to know what happens in this saga.

    I firmly believe any mariage can work. Of course if there is abuse and things like that it's different. I hate to see you ending this. I have read quite a few of your posts. It seems like you are going through this very methodically as in not letting your emotions run away with you which is good. But on the other hand, why can't you just as methodically decide to love your wife? Love really is a choice.

    Marriages break up because people are selfish. We have been programmed to think that we need to put ourselves and our happiness first. This is not the case. Marriage is for grownup mature people who have learned how to give and take, how to put the others persons needs before theirs.

    This is a very well written blog and of course there is no way we can know the whole story but I do feel that you are being a little immature to put what you want above that of your wife and son.

    I think that if you really worked at it in time you could grow to love your wife again, or at least like her enough to stay until your son is raised. No one made you marry her. You made that decision as an adult so now as an adult you need to stay and make good on the vows that were spoken before God and man.

     
  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think "love is a choice" is a complete load of crap. Sometimes love gets beaten out of you, and sometimes it leaks out day after day after week after year, drop by painful drop. But you don't choose who to love. Your heart chooses for you. You can choose to accept and remain in a loveless marriage, you can choose to remain in an environment that sucks the very life out of you, you can CHOOSE to give up every hope and dream that has kept you putting one foot in front of the other, but I completely and totally refute the belief that love is a choice.

    I'm just sayin'.

     
  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger 'Thought & Humor' said…

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    you do everything in your power to honor
    your Designer/Architect as well as your audience.
    Please remember to never restrict anyone's
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    Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
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    'Thought & Humor'
    Cyber-Humor & Cyber-Thought
    http://ilovehowdy.blogspot.com/
    Harvard Humor Club
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Harvard_Humor_Club/

     
  • At 12:44 AM, Blogger 4tunit said…

    Thank you for visiting my site.

    Children are a blessing and we love them dearly but we should never hide behind them. If you live your life and relationship as a lie everyone including your children will be part of that lie and this is not only wrong but cruel.

    It sounds like there are hiking paths left to explore with your wife and you should take them joyfully looking for every adventure beyond every hill and valley. Who knows where this will take you. The hiking experience is what you make it and if done right you will learn and experience much. At some point you both may decide to take separate paths but if there are joint paths left to take you owe it to yourself to explore them.

    Happy Hiking.

     
  • At 9:50 AM, Blogger mw said…

    Ochema - Strength is really the issue, isn't it. If my wife and I can do what is best for my family without breaking down into negative actions we may very well create something good out of all this - thank you for your comment.

    Rebecca - I think I was taught that there was a fixed course (school, job, wife, kid, death), and much of what has gone wrong with my life is due to following that course long after I was off the map. I hope all is well with you.

    Melody - thank you for your reassurance and friendship - I treasure and need both.

     
  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger mw said…

    kenju - I'd love to have you reading my blog and I'd appreciate comments. I have a lot to learn about life and the diverse comments I've gotten help me make better choices. Thanks for stopping by.

    Mary, thank you for the complement on my photos. I like the notion of being the real world - it would certainly explain much of what happens to me!

    Thumper, welcome and thanks!

     
  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger mw said…

    Phoenix,

    There is a little truth in the assumption that my marriage was founded on sex, but it is probably more accurate to say that it was founded on the mutual delusions of two people on the rebound looking for someone totally different than our previous partners.

    Regarding the lacks of males. With a couple notable exceptions (Corky, Henry, and BL) I wholly agree with you. I've had a lot of female friends in my life and only a few male.

    Not being able to maintain close female friendships is an aspect of marriage I hadn't anticipated, but it is very real.

    Thank you for the long comment - I enjoyed learning a little about you.

    Thanks!

     
  • At 10:15 AM, Blogger mw said…

    Cara and Kimberly - thank you for the complements and the wonderful wishes, especially the wish for clarity.

    Lynda - I did the meet and greet because I'm trying to get some perspective on what I'm doing. I'm affecting a lot of peoples lives with my choices and I want to have as much knowledge as I can to make the best choice I'm able. I'm sorry you didn't choose to make your opinion known, but I respect and admire your reasons. Thank you.

     
  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger mw said…

    Mrs. Darling - I think the key phrase in your post is "Of course if there is abuse and things like that it's different".

    I don't know what your definition of abuse is, but I suspect most good people that go through a divorce feel pretty abused. I know I do. And it's not because my wife is an ogre or anything like that, it's because we simply can't seem to find a way to be together without one or both of us feeling horrible. We've tried counseling, we've tried sacrificing ourselves, we've tried a lot of things, but the problems persist. They affect us and they affect our kids.

    It makes me really sad to start thinking about divorce - part of what makes it palatable is the realization that divorce isn't the end of a relationship. If good people work at it, it can be a somewhat positive thing. Maybe my wife and I can succeed at having a good divorce where we failed in having a good marriage.

    I don't know.

    And anonymous said a lot of what I feel about being beaten and the toll it takes.

    Thank you both for taking the time to comment on my blog. I've thought a lot about both of your comments.

    My best to you both.

     
  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger mw said…

    thought and humor - life is about choices and I chose to stop comprehending your comment after the sixth word. I was with you till that point and I appreciate your truncated statement :)

    4tunit - I enjoyed visiting your blog and I'll be back on a daily basis - keep it up! I agree with all you've said and will keep it in mind as I move forward.

    Thanks for the comments...

     
  • At 12:46 AM, Anonymous Tatiana said…

    Hi Mystic Writer,
    You are a good writer. Though it is a bit painful for me to read your blog, I found a lot to learn from you.
    PLEASE, just please be honest with your wife. She must know that you are not happy in a relationship. If it is possible at all, maybe you two should learn how to be friends. Who knows maybe than your choices will not hurt anyone. NOTHING hurts as much as betrayal, when you did not expect it coming at all...

     
  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger jon said…

    While searching for new carrier air conditioner info for my house I stumbled onto your blog. I totally agree!

    Paul

     

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