Gently fumbling

I just realized I have a pair of anniversaries coming up on new years eve, and having just read a number of blogs on relationships I thought I'd share some thoughts on earlier years in preparation for the story behind the upcoming anniversaries.

My parents wanted humble children. Any praise of family members was quickly met with a disapproving "You'll swell his head". If perchance you ever accidentally said something good about yourself, you got the ever popular "Don't toot your own horn". If someone outside our family praised one of the children, they were quickly assured that the accomplishment was purely happenstance.

The icing on the cake was that my parents were always looking for positive things to say about almost anyone else. Aside from the belief that a good child is always humble they were largely excellent parents, and in some ways that made things worse because I never could really credibly complain about them.

So here it is. I AM COMPLAINING ABOUT MY PARENTS! And on a blog no less, will wonders never cease.

My siblings all have their own issues, but I won't go into that (who cares - let them get their own blogs). I came to believe that even though superficially I was a pretty good and likeable person, deep inside I was seriously bad. I believed that anyone who got to know me very well would see how rotten I was and immediately be repulsed. It made me really uncomfortable about letting people get close to me.

Layer that on top of the fact that I am, in fact, a bit odd (read the rest of this blog for some inkling of what that means :) ), and you might get a sense of how isolated and disconnected I felt growing up.

At 14 most of my buddies either had a girlfriend or had at least had some relationship with one. Thea was a friend who happened to be a girl, but I never considered her my girlfriend. We talked most nights on the phone and every day at school, but something never clicked in me. Knowing what I know now, I realize she felt differently.

Susy was the new girl in our school. She was basically a good person, wanting to do things for others and always trying to be pleasant, but she lacked a sense of what others needed and frequently annoyed the hell out of everybody. She was one of those really smart people who doesn't quite know how to connect.

Thea was sympathetic and started inviting Susy to all our little clique's gatherings. Thea wanted Susy to be included so she pressed me into service, and I did my best to be nice to her.

On a beautiful fall evening our little clique of six had all gathered at Susy's house to play board games. The evening was fun, full of laughter and friendship, and I felt at ease and happy. I had ridden my bicycle and had no specific time I needed to be home, so when all the other kids had been picked up by their parents I stayed behind to help Susy clean up (at Thea's whispered suggestion, of course).

Susy and I chatted politely as we tidied up, and then she followed me outside. I bent to unlock my bike, and when I stood up she was right in front of me. My shirt had ridden up a little when I bent over, and Susy touched the bare skin at the top of my jeans, and then slid her finger across my stomach, slowly tracing the top of my jeans.

I couldn't breathe. I'd never been kissed, never been touched by a girl, and here I was with a finger moving less than an inch from RIGHT THERE. She looked directly at the bulge in my jeans and then lazily traced her finger back. She placed her other hand low on my hip and pulled me in. I struggled to inhale and found a pair of lips, slightly open, moist and soft, and so I wrapped my arms around her and savored it all - thighs and tummies pressing, chest against breasts. I had my first kiss, and it was luscious.

More later...