Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Our lady of sorrows

I woke on Sunday morning with the intent of finding an apartment. My wife and I had climaxed our emotional cycle with a completely insane unhappy 'argument' on Saturday evening, and I just don't think I can take it anymore. But Sunday night we made love and were all nice to each other, and the cycle started again.

If my son weren't in the picture, I'd be gone now. I love my stepson, but he seems to have grown a lot closer to his dad recently and he doesn't seem to need or want me much anymore. It doesn't seem worth going through this rotating traversal of heaven and hell. This time the cycle took all of two weeks.

I've made it this far by walling myself off from my wife and everything else, but I don't want to live that way anymore. There is too much in this world that is worth experiencing and loving.

'Argument' is in quotes above, because in this case, I just lay there stunned as my wife worried about losing her breasts, losing her parents, and losing me. Only one of those worries is at all likely. At some point, I think I said 'There just isn't any point to this - can you please just try to be happy', at which point I was verbally raked over the coals.

I'm sorry I hurt my wife by gaining a lot of weight, and I'm sorry we have nothing to build a relationship on. We only get along when we are having sex, which we have a reasonable amount of. I feel vaguely guilty about that, which is ridiculous.

A part of me wishes my wife would find someone she could be deliriously in love with - someone she could share all her beliefs with. Someone who could endure her worries, or maybe even alleviate them. I would love to see her happy.

And me free.


  • At 1:21 AM, Blogger ~Ivy said…

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