Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


The meadow was lush with spring grass and tilted into the sunlight. Pine and birch swayed gently in the light breeze and the patterns in the tree tops down slope were hypnotic. We kissed and solemnly spread our blanket. Our eyes met and we stepped toward each other, first gently and then more fervently kissing.

Our fingers fumbled with the buttons of our shirts, and with a swish of fabric our bare skin met. Panting a little, kisses hotter, I lay her down on the blanket and straddled her. My jeans pulled tight and her breathing came quickly as she looked me over.

I bent forward and she closed her eyes. I gently kissed each eyelid, then moved to her mouth. The kiss was soft and deep and lingered. I moved lower, kissing each breast with reverence, marveling at the golden tones in the warm sun.

Still lower, I kissed her bellybutton, and then with ragged breath I unbuttoned her jeans. Her hips canted upwards and my heart pistoned as I began pulling them slowly down. I saw her shudder and her breathing changed. I looked up in time to see a tear trickle down her cheek and when she saw me looking she started to sob.

The stew of hormones made thinking difficult and I couldn't understand what was happening. I fumbled for a moment trying to pull her jeans into place, then lay down beside her and pulled her into my arms. She buried her face in my neck and I kissed her hair and asked gently "What's wrong?". She sobbed "I want to be able to tell my husband he is the only one who has ever touched me there. I pray to God that that man is you, MW, but until that happens I want to wait. I want it to be something special for my husband...".

I lay there for a moment, a welter of emotions running through me. I told her I understood and admired what she said and that everything was fine between us. I pulled her tighter and we lapsed into silence, letting the yellow sun warm our bare upper bodies.

She relaxed a little and I thought about what she said. I never thought anyone could want to marry me and I chased that thought for a while. She had told me she loved me often, but it never seemed real to me. Marriage? I had never really thought about the future, it always just sort of happened to me.

She shifted a little and her breathing slowed. I kissed her hair and shoulders gently with a new feeling of respect and affection. She was saving herself? It wasn't a new thought, but hearing it from her affected me profoundly. I liked what it said about her, and as I pondered the implications I had a minor epiphany and realized I wanted to save myself too. I wanted that feeling of having something special for someone that I was really committed to. I felt a warmness spread through me and I let myself go with it. We lay in the afternoon sun, watching the shadows shift around our little meadow, and when the cool shade finally reached us we put on our shirts and went home.

As spring turned to summer I came to realize the dynamic between us had shifted. I really liked that core part of her I had glimpsed, but it was rarely exposed. Our mutual agreement to cease our explorations of each other robbed our relationship of a lot of it's excitement, and we had to fall back on talking and activities. Our styles and interests were different and we didn't converse well, and activities are limited when you are 15 years old.

Summer peaked and faded, and in the dog days of August she told me she thought we should date other people. She was gentle and kind and loving and her final kiss melted off my lips as we cried together.

In the weeks that followed I fell into a funk, becoming more and more convinced that she had seen the badness I knew was inside me. I had thoughts of becoming a hermit and retreated to reading books and endlessly walking the fields near our house.

In October the school held a science fair. I had to attend because I had a display as part of a mandatory class assignment. Peter, an acquaintance I didn't know too well, stopped at my display and introduced me to his girlfriend Jean. The three of us hit it off and ended up walking around the fair, joking and talking about all the displays.

We were having so much fun we decided to go out for pizza and the three of us piled into Peters car. We had dinner and drove around for a while, Jean and Peter in the front with me in the back, music blasting as we drove along with the windows down. Peter decided he needed money so he drove to his bank and went inside.

Jean arched around and looked at me for a moment, then climbed over the seat into the back. She put her hand on my leg and said "I like you. Can I call you tonight?"...


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