Driven

Jean unlatched the door and got out of the car, re-entering on the passengers side just as Peter exited the bank. When Peter got in I told him I needed to get going and asked him to drop me off at school. Jean asked if I needed anything there, and then to my negative response she told Peter to just bring me to my house. On arrival I jumped out and waved goodbye, desperately trying to avoid Jeans gaze.

I thought about calling Peter but wasn't even sure what his last name was. I didn't want to have that conversation anyway and I decided I'd just not do anything and hope for the best. I've always liked the head in the sand method of handling difficult situations.

Around 8:30PM I was thinking of what I would tell Thea in my nightly talk when the phone rang. My mother snatched it up and I prepared to run downstairs so I could talk to Thea in private. Mom looked puzzled for a moment, then laughed and said "Sure, that won't be any problem. I'll tell him you're coming. Bye!". My mom hung up and said "That was your friend Jean - she asked if she could drop by and give you a ride in her new car. I told her you could, and she'll be here in 5 minutes. Who's Jean?". I replied "Someone from school, mom", and bolted before she asked questions I really didn't know how to answer.

I ran to my bedroom and threw on different clothes, then ran out the door in time to see a beater tan malibu drive up. My mom stepped out and murmured "New car?". I muttered "I have no idea" and got in Jeans car. She pulled around the block and stopped "I'm sorry about all this, but I had so much fun talking today and I wanted to see you, and I was afraid you'd say no... I told Peter...".

I looked at her, trying to catch up - "What did you tell Peter?".

"That I wanted to talk to you tonight. We've only had three dates, and it really wasn't going anywhere, so ..."

I tried to make sense of it - "So... Is Peter OK?".

"I think so. We could never find anything to talk about, and I think we made each other nervous. If you don't mind, I'd like to drive around the lakes and watch the sunset".

I liked sunsets and had really liked talking with her. I didn't know what to think and so I vaguely nodded assent while resolving to talk to Peter whenever I next saw him.

She took off, driving confidently, and we were soon deep in conversation. We finally noticed that a couple hours had passed and she dropped me off, letting me know that she lived just on the other side of the field from my house.

I talked to Peter and found that Jean had pretty accurately summed things up. With that behind me I started talking to Jean whenever I could, and we would go for drives any time she could get her parents car. After a while our friends started treating us as a couple and, unlike Susy, they loved Jean. Jean had a rapier wit and could converse well on a variety of topics. She could be cultured one moment and telling dirty jokes the next. She was a joy to be around.

It took a long time for our first kiss, and I was fine with that. I liked our friendship and liked Jean just the way she was, confident, independent, and fun. I didn't really want anything to change. The first kiss was on a subzero day in a minimally heated cabin where we were staying with a group of kids and counselors. We were talking as always and scrunching closer together to stay warm, and suddenly we were kissing. It went on for hours. We didn't care who saw us or knew.

We became more physically intimate as winter broke, and as spring came into fullness we started going to drive-ins. Jean's parents car was pretty small and what we could do was limited, which again seemed like a good thing.

In mid-summer we were out hiking around and we stopped hand in hand to look at a field in bloom. I was telling Jean how beautiful I thought the yellow butterflies floating through the purple and gold flowers were, and she replied "I'm falling in love with you". My heart thumped and something twisted inside of me.

I didn't really know how I felt, and the times I'd told Susy I'd loved her without really knowing what that meant rose up in me, and I pulled Jean into a hug and kissed her deeply and with all the passion I felt for her. I thought then that it was enough.

A couple weeks went by and Jean and I spent a lot of time together. Everything seemed normal to me, and I was both relieved and disappointed that Jean hadn't talked about her love. After dinner one night at my house, Jean and I set off across the field to walk her home. We stopped under a huge tree and kissed, and under a full August moon Jean pulled me down to the grass with her.

She unbuttoned my shirt, kissing my chest, and with my willing help we removed her top. Her hands were everywhere and I was immensely aroused. She kicked off her pants while we were locked in a kiss, and forced my hand between her legs. I touched for a while and then she gasped for me to make love to her. I kissed her harder and removed my hand. She asked again and I moved apart and told her of my resolve to save myself for my wife. I tried to hold her and kiss her but she pushed me away, starting to cry as she dressed herself.

She angrily set off towards her house. I tried to walk with her but she kept shoving me away and I finally settled for following her to make sure she got home OK.

After that she never called me. When I called her she would be courteous but brief, and after a couple weeks I found out she was going out with someone else.

The funk I had felt after Susy hit me with redoubled force. I now truly believed that there was something bad about me. Why couldn't I have told Jean I loved her? Why did I work so hard to stay with Susy when I didn't feel good about her? What the hell was wrong with me? I resolved to stay out of relationships until I could figure out some answers, and after a couple of months the funk passed and I got back in the swing of things.

I was asked out several times, but it was never serious. The longest time that I went out with anyone was with DJ, and that was only a couple weeks.

After two years of staying out of relationships, I felt pretty emotionally strong. I didn't feel so isolated and was pretty comfortable being a loner even when I was around other couples. I had graduated from high school and was just finishing my first semester of college, and I was wondering if maybe it was time to start dating again.

Out of the blue I received an invitation to a new years eve party hosted by the sister of a girl I had known in high school. When I talked to my three best friends, they told me they had gotten the invitation too, and they wanted to go. No one knew why we had been invited, and we were all curious...