Pushing through

I watched a porcupine climb a pine tree last night. A porcupine isn't graceful, isn't fast, and isn't inspiring in any traditional sense of the word. He simply grunts and tugs his way up the tree. It gets the job done.

Most times when I write I put pen to paper and simply let my thoughts flow. In general I believe in flowing through life, positioning myself in the current so that I find the things I desire.

I haven't been flowing this last week, or if I have it's been through a patch of whitewater. Trying to blog about it has been a chore, but like a porcupine putting quill to tree and forcing his way upward, I'm going to put quill to paper and force this post outward.

One would think a pending divorce would be trial enough - oddly, that is going pretty smoothly. I chose an apartment last Wednesday and it did strange things to my head. I entered a fragmented and somewhat black state of mind which persisted till Thursday night.

Thursday night I parked my car in a parking lot which screamed danger to me, a perverse attraction in my frame of mind. I walked 11 miles in a freezing rain which blackened me further and when I got to my car it was with a sense of dark satisfaction that I found my tire was knifed.

The satisfaction lifted my spirits because it gave me something tangible to deal with, and I impulsively called TB on the drive back into town. Our connection and friendship shown through on that conversation and I've been lofted by it ever since.

I've got a poison ivy rash that now covers over 75% of my body. It takes all of my hard won thought control not to rake myself with my fingernails till there is nothing left of me. Sometimes I can divorce myself enough from my body to be amazed by the potency of the plant.

It just rains and rains and rains.

I've only two weeks left to live in a house I've expended vast amounts of money and effort on. It's never been my home, but it's an odd feeling nonetheless. I can't characterize it very well.

The further I get from my relationship with my wife the more certain I am that a divorce is the right course. I already feel completely disconnected from her and it doesn't feel bad. I'm looking forward to living alone in the apartment.

The apartment is on the third floor and there are tree tops outside the big windows. The light coming through the apartment was lovely when I looked it over, although the carpet and walls were an awful neutral color.

I saved my hand made furniture when I moved in with my wife and I'll take it with me to the apartment. I'll decorate with framed photography, some old knick knacks, and plants in front of the windows. My goal is to color the light with green, gold, and sandstone hues - these colors mean peace and joy to me and that is how I want to live from now on.

I'm excited and looking forward to the next phase of my life.

I think I've clawed my way to the end of this post. It's a pretty nice view from here...