Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Pushing through



I watched a porcupine climb a pine tree last night. A porcupine isn't graceful, isn't fast, and isn't inspiring in any traditional sense of the word. He simply grunts and tugs his way up the tree. It gets the job done.

Most times when I write I put pen to paper and simply let my thoughts flow. In general I believe in flowing through life, positioning myself in the current so that I find the things I desire.

I haven't been flowing this last week, or if I have it's been through a patch of whitewater. Trying to blog about it has been a chore, but like a porcupine putting quill to tree and forcing his way upward, I'm going to put quill to paper and force this post outward.

One would think a pending divorce would be trial enough - oddly, that is going pretty smoothly. I chose an apartment last Wednesday and it did strange things to my head. I entered a fragmented and somewhat black state of mind which persisted till Thursday night.

Thursday night I parked my car in a parking lot which screamed danger to me, a perverse attraction in my frame of mind. I walked 11 miles in a freezing rain which blackened me further and when I got to my car it was with a sense of dark satisfaction that I found my tire was knifed.

The satisfaction lifted my spirits because it gave me something tangible to deal with, and I impulsively called TB on the drive back into town. Our connection and friendship shown through on that conversation and I've been lofted by it ever since.

I've got a poison ivy rash that now covers over 75% of my body. It takes all of my hard won thought control not to rake myself with my fingernails till there is nothing left of me. Sometimes I can divorce myself enough from my body to be amazed by the potency of the plant.

It just rains and rains and rains.

I've only two weeks left to live in a house I've expended vast amounts of money and effort on. It's never been my home, but it's an odd feeling nonetheless. I can't characterize it very well.

The further I get from my relationship with my wife the more certain I am that a divorce is the right course. I already feel completely disconnected from her and it doesn't feel bad. I'm looking forward to living alone in the apartment.

The apartment is on the third floor and there are tree tops outside the big windows. The light coming through the apartment was lovely when I looked it over, although the carpet and walls were an awful neutral color.

I saved my hand made furniture when I moved in with my wife and I'll take it with me to the apartment. I'll decorate with framed photography, some old knick knacks, and plants in front of the windows. My goal is to color the light with green, gold, and sandstone hues - these colors mean peace and joy to me and that is how I want to live from now on.

I'm excited and looking forward to the next phase of my life.

I think I've clawed my way to the end of this post. It's a pretty nice view from here...

11 Comments:

  • At 6:18 PM, Blogger 4tunit said…

    Very appropo mv. Pushing on forward. Leaving the old familiar behind and starting anew. Unsettling, peaceful, and exciting.

     
  • At 2:03 AM, Blogger Nicky said…

    Well, done MW. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. :-))

     
  • At 3:31 AM, Anonymous Tatiana said…

    Starting something new is always exciting, but it could feel frightening sometimes as well. Try to take only good memories with you, when you pack your life away.

     
  • At 5:03 AM, Blogger Ally said…

    The porcupine is a good allegory. Sometimes it's really hard to stay in the flow; and at those times, one needs a different strategy. With best wishes.

     
  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Jugglernaut said…

    Hi, Michele sent me via her meet & greet. Sorry to hear you're having a prickly time. I've clawed my way up the divorce tree, too, and the view is indeed better from the top.

     
  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger Me said…

    Every post, a clearer picture of the man that you are, and will be comes through...
    Well done porcupine - keep climbing..the sunshine whispering on the leaves is calling you higher.

    Ochemma

     
  • At 9:01 AM, Blogger Miss Cow is a Cow said…

    Hello via Michele's Meet and Greet

     
  • At 9:21 AM, Blogger phoenix said…

    As the porcupine climbs, so shall you. Great ideas on the decor of the new apartment. Once you feel comfortable there... life will have a rose colored feel to it.

     
  • At 10:00 AM, Anonymous colleen said…

    The flow comes and goes. I was watching vultures while you were watching the porcupine. I'll have to think more about the metaphor of vultures now. Michele sent me.

     
  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger A Career Woman and A Housewife said…

    Keep climbing!
    -Housewife

    Michele Sent me!

     
  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Tamara said…

    Keep pushing forward! Happy Saturday from Michele's meet and greet.

     

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