Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Wind Water Rock Rain



Wind Water Rock Rain Wind Water Rock Rain Wind Water Rock Rain.

I subtly shifted my intonation, tried to match the resonance in the back of my throat with the slight echoes from the rock cradling the waterfall.

Wind Water Rock Rain Wind Water Rock Rain

I straightened my back, balanced my crossed legs and settled into the ancient stone.

Wind Water Rock Rain Wind Water Rock Rain

I found it - found the swelling of sound I needed and held the chant.

Wind Water Rock Rain Wind Water Rock Rain

I shifted my attention to my palms, upturned to catch the thundering rain. I narrowed my focus, only the palms, only the rain.

The drops fell rapidly, each with it's own character, heavy soft warm, sharp small hard, little snaps, huge smacks.

I held my focus, pushed all else aside.

Wind Water Rock Rain

Little thoughts tapped, trying to get back in, and the R's in my chant morphed to W's. I lost it, lost my focus, and the moments of my week came rushing back in.

There has been joy. My wife and I have had moments where we see a vision of the two of us happy and strong, complete people, able to relate to each other in positive ways. She understands that she needs to become strong by herself, and that I can't help her. I find that exciting and wish with all my heart for her success.

I can envision her that way, facing the future boldly and with faith, and I realize that even if she is strong and healthy we still have no common vision of how to live our lives. I've separated myself emotionally from her and the distance gives me the perspective to see how wrong we are together.

We've verbally agreed on custodial, financial, and social issues in the last week. We have both been civil and have occasionally come up with brilliant solutions to some of our concerns. I'm proud of the two of us.

I've had to take a crash course in apartment renting - I've never done that before and I'm constrained to trying to find a place within my budget, within walking distance, and with an opening in the next month. I've had help from TB who is an expert and in theory I am well prepared. Today I'll set up appointments and possibly start bargaining to see if I can cut a deal. I need something relatively nice since my son will be living there with me half of the time.

My mind is frequently fractured with the enormity of the emotions of this time. It's odd to try to handle the myriad of details that crop up in this separation when my mind is always drifting off in strange directions. Life goes on and I think I'm doing OK with things.

Wind Water Rock

Rain

8 Comments:

  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger Me said…

    Well done. You are going through one of the hardest times in your life and both you and your wife sound as if you have truly come to terms with what is happening and slowly, carefully, moving on. That you have given her so much credit speaks volumes for your compassion and history together.

    You will get through....

    Ochemma

     
  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger Ally said…

    I just wanted to leave an acknowledgement that I'd been touched by what you are writing about and the way you write. You are making something beautiful out of something painful. I know that sounds a bit pompous, but I've deleted two tries at putting down what I want to say, and that's the best I can come up with ...

     
  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Suzanne said…

    mw, I stopped by via Michele's meet-and-greet --- I'm so glad I did. Best of luck to you as you navigate this new phase of your life.

     
  • At 9:16 AM, Anonymous colleen said…

    What a nice find! Here via michele today. My mantra has a lot of MMMMMMs in it...been through a divorce too...and then found the love of my life. (Don't go by the picture I posted of him today though).

     
  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger phoenix said…

    Glad to see you are posting again. Things will improve with time. As usual your writings are an art unto themselves.

     
  • At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Pearl said…

    Hi from the meet and greet. Beyond that what can I say as you lay your heart out? You haven't asked my opinion or support.

    Good luck in optimizing all of your lives.

     
  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger Kimberly said…

    Beautiful writing, mw. I found myself breathing more slowly as I read.

    I'm glad to read that you and your wife are making progress. Best wishes to all of you.

    I'm here from Michele's M&G.

     
  • At 9:45 AM, Blogger Lammy said…

    Stopped by after Michele's M&G....
    Beautiful writing.

     

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