Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Into the unknown



I think I've gotten into some trouble.

I have been living a bargain I made with myself. My goal was to stay in my marriage and to try to keep things happy and civil until my son was grown enough to handle my wife and I going separate ways.

I've been living this way for a couple years now, and things have gone reasonably well. I've encouraged my wife to spend time with her friends, and I've been spending a lot of time hiking and exploring my spiritual side and trying to spend as little time with my wife as I can get away with.

This seems to have been working, but for the last several weeks I just haven't been able to say 'I love you' to my wife, and it's understandably starting to bother her.

Other than my son, there is nothing to hold us together. What little we had in common at the beginning has been poisoned by our arguments. I know we would both be happier if we went our separate ways, but I can't bear the thought of hurting my little boy.

I don't know what is going to happen. I feel very alone and not sure of what I want or need.

For now I will just ride the current and try to deal honorably with whatever issues present themselves. This is all so sad...

10 Comments:

  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger Deek Deekster said…

    do you want to teach the lesson that it's OK to remain in a loveless relationship ? how much damage is that going to do ? how much worse for your little boy to be given the example of living a lie.

    My feeling is you should both go your ways, stay true to yourselves, stay true to your parental responsiblities separated, and this example will be the best you can give of adulthood seeking true fulfilment.

     
  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger I Am The Walrus said…

    I agree. Remember, your actions today are teaching your son what relationships are. If he finds them to be only civil and distant, how do you ever expect him to find the passion and strength of love that you, yourself desire?

     
  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow. I believe you have done this because you thought it was what was right...but...you and your wife both deserve better. You can both be good parents without being together. Maybe she will find happiness with another and maybe you will find happiness with another. As long as you both go on being wonderful, loving parents to your son it will be best for all involved. You are living a lie and that is very wrong. Also, it doesn't sound like your wife is 'aware' of your whole plan of only sticking together for the sake of your son until he is old enough to understand. That is such a cruel thing to do to someone. She should know the truth about how you feel. I think you need to pull out your balls and be a man about this whole thing. Honesty is the best policy. If you don't love her you shouldn't be with her. I am sure that if you are not happy in the marriage that the child picks up on the negative undercurrents. That is not an environment a child should have to grow up in. Hopefully, this comment doesn't piss you off. That is not what is intended. Just trying to be blunt. After all, honesty is the best policy.

     
  • At 4:26 PM, Blogger Harmony said…

    I feel your pain, I to am in a relationship that shouldn't be. For now though I just have to deal with it. Sooner or later, you have to get out. I personally feel in the long run, it's better for the kid!

     
  • At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am sorry...

     
  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger Mocka Con said…

    I right there with you, Mystic - almost the same exact situation (loveless marriage, young son, etc.), with the same painful dilemma. So, unlike the some of the other commenters, I don't have the luxery of offering objective rational advice (it's oh so easy to solve other people's problems, isn't it?). I'd like to see some proof that children of unhappily married parents do better emotionally if they split-up, rather than just the unfounded assumptions of pop psychology (and that's not just a criticism - I would really, really like to see that proof).

    As I said, I can't offer advice when I haven't figured a resolution for my own situation - only commiseration. I admire your willingness to discuss this publically, and I will stay tuned to your blog to see what comes of it...

     
  • At 6:23 PM, Blogger Pia Talks said…

    I think you're going through one of the most difficult times in a persons life. It's never good to stay married because you think it's better for your child, but sometimes there are needs that you and/or your wife fufill for each other that are totally unconcious.

    Except when one party has a lover or there is abuse sometimes it's just easier to remain married. But if you absolutely can't take it anymore then get out now.

    Much luck

     
  • At 1:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi "mw". Just wanted to say thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment at my online villa... I saw this post, and I agree - it is sad. :( I wish I was wise enough or had some experience with your situation, but I don't have either. All I can say is that it's inevitable that what's between your wife and you will trickle down to your kid, one way or the other. And, also, I'm not sure that there's ever a "grown enough" time for a kid - it's difficult for everyone no matter what. Choose your path with committedness and love, and your son will understand it.

    And on a lighter note, the voice lesson was much less confronting than I expected. If you've thought about doing it, dive right in and make it happen. You have nothing to lose but vocal strain... :)

    Paul Moment
    http://www.paulmoment.com

     
  • At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ahh MW-

    Unfortunately, I know a little bit about this subject, because I suffered through a childhood with parents who were not in love with each other. I knew from a very young age that my mother did not love my father. I internalized a lot of those emotions and I began to feel the same way about my dad, without really understanding why. I lost a lot of years with my dad, because I thought I disliked him.

    My parents finally divorced after 35 years of marraige and well after the children were grown and had moved. It was not easy for my parents and it still was not easy for the kids.

    I am in no place to judge or tell you what to do, but don't think your son does not know what is happening between you and your spouse.

    Jason

     
  • At 4:59 AM, Blogger Nicky said…

    Dear Mystic - I agree with most of the other commentors that you shouldn't stay in a marriage that is less than all it should be. I have a young son and I chose to leave his father when he was nearly 3. I truly believe that it was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my son. It is better for a child to have a model of a parent who is happy with their partner as I am now rather than see the parents constantly arguing, being cold, ignoring each other etc. I also think its easier for the child to do it when they are younger instead of waiting till they are old enough to handle it whenever that might be. I understand that you don't want to hurt your son but if you love him and you obviously do from the way you talk about him then you should just continue to do that whether you leave your wife or not. As long as the children feel loved then they are pretty resilient - probably more so than adults. As you are so in love with TB it seems obvious that you don't want to live with your wife. Don't waste your time wondering what the right thing to do is. Listen to your heart and follow it. I did and I wish I had done it sooner. All the best and I hope it all works out for you and your wife - you both deserve better than this. Don't accept second best.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home