The song of the horse
My last post received a lot of comments, and for that I am grateful. For a while the comments seemed to be giving me permission to separate from my wife - that doing this would maximize my wife's, my son's, and my own happiness. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to buy into that.
A lot of the reasoning for separating concerned the lessons that I was teaching my son. There is no doubt my son will learn poor lessons from me not being able to love his mother completely, but those lessons are pretty mild to the lessons he would learn from us separating and him having to live in two households - and he would still learn poor lessons about love.
My wife and I do really well as long as we don't talk very much. We are physically quite affectionate, and family cuddles are a daily thing.
The problem as I see it (and I'm sure she would see it differently) is that she cycles from self pity to sadness to worrying to anger. The first three are hard to be around but I think I might be able to deal with them, but when she explodes in anger it drives me away emotionally. Each one of these little incidents hardens my heart just a little bit more. The only good thing is she *never* blows up in front of my son.
I wrote my last post after enduring an hour long episode of middle of the night angry screaming. The outburst had it's usual cathartic affect, and Saturday night my wife and I spent a couple hours making love - naked massages, twining, several positions and orientations. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I gasped out 'I love you', which is true in several respects, and for the moment my wife is happy again.
There are plenty of opportunities for joy and happiness in my little family. They just don't involve a supportive and loving relationship between my wife and I.
So I'll continue to help raise my son the best I can, and wait for better options to present themselves. And who knows, maybe the horse will sing...
(and thank you to those who offered support, sympathy, and commiseration. I really appreciated your comments).
A lot of the reasoning for separating concerned the lessons that I was teaching my son. There is no doubt my son will learn poor lessons from me not being able to love his mother completely, but those lessons are pretty mild to the lessons he would learn from us separating and him having to live in two households - and he would still learn poor lessons about love.
My wife and I do really well as long as we don't talk very much. We are physically quite affectionate, and family cuddles are a daily thing.
The problem as I see it (and I'm sure she would see it differently) is that she cycles from self pity to sadness to worrying to anger. The first three are hard to be around but I think I might be able to deal with them, but when she explodes in anger it drives me away emotionally. Each one of these little incidents hardens my heart just a little bit more. The only good thing is she *never* blows up in front of my son.
I wrote my last post after enduring an hour long episode of middle of the night angry screaming. The outburst had it's usual cathartic affect, and Saturday night my wife and I spent a couple hours making love - naked massages, twining, several positions and orientations. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I gasped out 'I love you', which is true in several respects, and for the moment my wife is happy again.
There are plenty of opportunities for joy and happiness in my little family. They just don't involve a supportive and loving relationship between my wife and I.
So I'll continue to help raise my son the best I can, and wait for better options to present themselves. And who knows, maybe the horse will sing...
(and thank you to those who offered support, sympathy, and commiseration. I really appreciated your comments).
posted by mw @ 9:38 AM
2 Comments:
At 4:50 AM,
RuKsaK said…
Hoorah!
ЯuKsaK
http://ruksak.blogspot.com/
At 5:07 AM,
Nicky said…
Sorry but I don't agree with this:
"There are plenty of opportunities for joy and happiness in my little family. They just don't involve a supportive and loving relationship between my wife and I."
It seems like a contradiction to me. Sometimes the bad stuff negates the good stuff and doesn't make it worthwhile. It sounds like you are not being honest with yourself and your wife. I still don't believe your son is better off being in a situation where his parents don't get on. Sorry if it sounds intrusive, I mean I don't even know you but then you are talking about your marriage on the internet so I guess you are willing to accept people's comments.
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