Ending and beginning

Well shoot! I had hoped to add the final Karen detail in a short little post but after a couple days of attempting that, I realize it doesn't make any sense except in context. It might not make much sense there. I really didn't want to start another saga but it appears I have no choice. I won't even hazard a guess as to how long it will take me to write this completely. Forgive me...

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I clutched all four bags of groceries in my arms as I looked over my little garden. Some grass had popped up behind the marigolds and I liked the way it looked from the steps. I laughed a little to myself as I mused that gardening is a lot easier when you like things to have a wild feel. I popped my shoe off and balanced on one foot while I opened the door with the other. I hooked my shoe into the house and then stepped in and tapped the door closed.

I thought about the mornings hike and how I felt a little tired but really pretty good - probably the best I'd felt in twelve years - In fact, the last time I felt this good was... My brain automatically veered away and I set the bags on the counter. I filled the empty cupboards and refrigerator and opened the big windows on both sides of the living room.

The September air riffled the curtains as I sat and looked my living room over. It had taken me years to furnish it with second hand and home made furniture and I loved the way it made me feel. The early afternoon light filtered through tan and gold curtains and made the wood in the couch glow. I listened to bird songs echoing through the windows and tried to empty my mind.

The little space I had created demanded answers - why had I decided to leave here? Elsa and I weren't good together - it seemed like it should work, but we grated on each other. Was it Jeffy? The smell of his three year old hair filled me and I just wanted to hold him. What had Elsa told him? How long would it take for him to forget me? That thought made me start to cry and I bit it off.

The answering machine light was blinking. Maybe Pat had called back and wanted to go out. I didn't really feel like it but I was determined not to get mired in despair again - I'd wasted too much of my life already. I punched the play button and the tape started to rewind. It took a long time and I wondered how many people had called.

"Hi MW, it's Lisa... I've been thinking about things and I think you're right - I'd like to be your friend. I know you're busy with Elsa and Jeff, but maybe we could talk on the phone sometimes. Give me a call. Bye".

Lisa was one of the dozen women who had responded to a personal ad I'd placed in the spring. I had really enjoyed her sense of humor but realized after a while that we had seriously different ideas about life. I loved how she made me laugh and asked to be friends. That had probably been a mistake.

The next message started and there was a long stretch of tape hiss, then finally "It's me...". My heart tore in two. Elsa... I had started moving into her house last week and before I'd finishing putting my clothes in her closet she was screaming at me. I had repacked my car and come back here and I'd spent the week fighting thoughts of her... and Jeff.

"... I know you told me never to call again. I'm miserable. I'm sorry I lost my temper at you. I don't know what's wrong with me... what's wrong with us. I need you".

I stabbed the answering machine and cut her off. I ripped the closet door open, grabbed my rollerblades, fled to my car and screamed away....