Tying off

When I started this series of posts, my intent was to do it in 4 parts with the final two being posted on New Years. I haven't really thought about these three relationships much in the last couple years and deciding to write about them now came about in an odd way.

I wanted to give TB a present for Christmas that said something more than 'I went shopping' (Although I did go shopping too). She is heavily into symbols and ceremonies in the same way that I am and is well aware of how actions and objects can be used to focus personal energies for growth and change.

At any rate, as part of this present I took a special feather out late at night on the solstice into a wild area that has a 'thin' feel to it. I made up a little ceremony whereby I used the feather to erase the boundaries between the inner me and the outer world. It was a profound feeling at the time and I felt myself spread out and touch the trees and snow and all the surroundings.

I was gone for quite a while and when I came back I started walking without thinking. After a couple miles I was back at my car and somewhere during that time I had the notion placed in my head of blogging these three relationships. It wasn't anything conscious.

A couple days later I started writing and as the posts unfolded I was profoundly shaken by what I was writing. Over the years I have sampled these memories one piece at a time, chewing them over and finding them terribly distasteful, but I have never before tried digesting them as a single piece. What a difference that makes! The change in my feelings is still progressing, and I'm not sure where it will lead, but it sure feels good. The amazing and supportive comments I've received have added tremendously to the change that is happening and I am profoundly grateful.

There are several people that know parts of the story but most of it has been locked in my head all these years. I was so ashamed of the middle of the night trysts that I never told anyone about them at the time - in fact most of my friends didn't realize that Karen and I had ever had any contact after I found out she was engaged to Fred.

Of course freeing myself from Karen didn't miraculously make my life perfect. Karen was an integral part of my social circle and breaking myself free required that I sever contact with most of my friends. I couldn't stand to hear even the slightest detail about Karen, and I avoided anyone who talked about her.

I had a blue collar job, but that took only 8 hours of my time - after that I would hit the bars. I didn't really care much about anything, and when I wasn't working I just hung out. I ended up sleeping wherever I happened to be when I couldn't stay up any longer. I have a very distinct memory of joy when I discovered that the newly introduced lighted billboards were warm and had a comfortable catwalk to stretch out on. It was a weird time. I think it only lasted a couple of months.

After I started to straighten up a little bit I bought myself an Atari 400 computer and taught myself to program. Not too long after I got a job as a programmer and I become the classic computer nerd - no social life and up for days on end hacking. It was probably great therapy and it certainly was a fantastic career move.

I've never seen Karen since. I found out much later that the last time we were together was probably the night before she married Fred. I *hate* that thought and I hope it isn't true. I also learned that the reason Karen's house was always empty was that Bonnie was spending all her time at her boyfriends house, and Karen had her own apartment on Fred's families estate. The only time the Karen's house was occupied was when she wanted to be with me.

I hated Karen for a long time and the feeling sickened me because it didn't feel true. After a long while the hate died and was replaced by a lack of any feeling at all about her. That felt better and I thought it was all over, and I was almost right.