Flying Free

I've been thinking a lot about relationships for the last several months. For a long time all that I wanted was to be single again. I believed I could never really be happy with anyone because the things that I believe and feel just didn't seem to make sense to anyone else.

Then I met TB, and found that there are other people like me, and more recently I noticed a couple I described way back in this post.

It's gotten me thinking about what I think relationships are really about, and what I would like to have if I ever find myself in a relationship again.

I think the glows and symbols I see floating around people are their essence - I think for my purposes I will call it a soul. I believe in most cases a soul needs to work through the body to form connections. I suspect that the souls attachment points or focal points are the chakras, and I wouldn't be surprised if the types of relationships that are possible correspond to the characteristics of chakras. I haven't really followed that line of thought much, but something about it rings true to me.

I think the notion that the soul is trying to make it's connections through the filter of the body explains a lot of the grief I see in relationships. The body has eons of evolutionary programming and often operates in survival mode. Part of what a real relationship is about is giving up some of yourself, and the body fights that notion.

It seems like many of the things I strive for, an orderly mind, greater sensitivity and connection to the deeper levels of the world around me, noble behavior - it seems like all these things could be construed as trying to let my soul have a more pure ability to connect to things.

I think the two couples I've seen with similar glows have somehow managed to join their souls. In the case of the red couple in the park, something about them tells me the connection is not the result of them working very hard to free their souls. The fact that their glows feel and look so similar to me leads me to guess that they are truly the same and somehow meant for each other. I'm guessing this sort of connection is extremely rare.

In the case of Gedda and Sylvia, their glows felt and looked a little different. Hers was a little smoother and more golden, his rougher and weathered toward gray. My sense is that when they were together their glows merged in a way that I can't really visualize anymore, although I dimly have a sense memory of the swirl and interplay. It felt like they were making slow love whenever they were near one another.

I think in their case they had done a lot of soul work. I didn't talk much to Sylvia, but Gedda had a lot of stories to tell of his life and it seemed to me that he had always been soulful but had had a long journey to become the peaceful and joyful person he was at the time I met him.

For the last several weeks I haven't been able to be centered in any meaningful way - it isn't that I'm off center, it's that I'm completely fragmented. In one way it's nice because I'm unable to sustain any long term negative feelings, but I miss my feelings of connected joy and celebration of nature.

On Monday I was walking out in Afton, a park an hours drive from my apartment. The sun was low on the horizon and had that extra tone that makes the greens in the grass look lush and rich and the shadows velvety deep. The butterflies played and birdsong was everywhere, yet the deer and rabbits ran from me long before I could get near them and while I appreciated the beauty I didn't feel a part of it.

I walked in this state for a while, then realized I'd been having a sense of warmth and connection with earlier times in my life. As I thought about it further I realized these memories of feelings were being evoked by the scents of the prairie and wood, and as I breathed more deeply I realized that I'd never smelled anything quite like what I was smelling. While the scent was nothing like vanilla, it had that wonderful warmth that vanilla communicates - something like the warmth of real butter melting on your tongue. It was incredible and my sense of what was happening was that I was being taken care of, therapied, by the trees and plants that I was walking through.

I had an incredible rush of love and affection - I felt wonderfully rewarded and grateful for the gift Afton was sharing with me. I guess I don't know why Afton takes care of me, but I feel the relationship is something mutual, and I think that it is a pure connection of souls.

I truly believe I am one of the lucky people that can have a soul to soul relationship. I don't necessarily need that to have the life of joy and inspiration that I desire, but I think it would add a lot.

I think the reason a soul joins a body is to have experiences the soul alone can't have. I think with a soul to soul connection each soul will have two bodies experiences to draw on - two sets of eyes, ears, and all.

I wrote that latter paragraph without any thought, but now that I read what I wrote I realize I have proof of being able to tap into another persons senses. The thing that held my wife and I together for so long was the physical connection, and at times of intense passion I'm able to very specifically feel what my wife is feeling and wanting. It's a source of great joy for me and I think it creates a lot of pleasure for my partner. I've always longed for the connection to flow more strongly the other way. I'd love for my partner to feel what I'm feeling. I can imagine that if both partners were experiencing each others feelings there would be a multiplying of feelings - not just an adding. Echoes of each other reflecting to infinity.

Whew! I need a moment...

I think I'll end this now - I know I need to wave my hands around and talk really loudly to make any of this work, but I think I may have stumbled on to something. What do you think?